The Ides of March

As the line from Shakespeare's Julius Caesar goes, "Beware the Ides of March." Meaning the day Julius Caesar would be killed, March 15th 44AD, the quote has worked its way into the modern lexicon as a portent of doom. Considering the incredible amount of devastation Japan has seen in the past week, one could make the farfetched conclusion that this prophecy was real. I personally never gave it much thought until just after midnight on Tuesday morning.

March 15th.

I don't remember how I found it. Maybe it sought me out. All that matters is that it exists. Perhaps it has always existed in one form or another. Like evil. Fear. War. Biding its time. Gathering strength for its next emergence. A reflection of man's worst qualities so pristine as to rival a dead sea. You have been warned. Gaze into the abyss, and the abyss gazes also into you.



This is already a full-blown meme with nearly 11 million views under its belt as I write this. The video(which debuted on a Thursday, for the record) had only been up for a few days before receiving nearly universal criticism as the worst song ever recorded. Articles have been written, parodies made and images captured, waxing intellectual on the Mason-Dixon line of musical quality and integrity being crossed. If there's anyone left on the internet still wondering what hell spawned this musical abortion, click the YouTube button and find the link under the iTunes and ringtone ads. Do you see it?

R'lyeh, thy name is The Ark Music Factory.

That's right. There is a company whose sole purpose is to manufacture child-size pop idols, each one more uniquely untalented than the last. Poor devils. As a cursory glance at the site's "about" section will tell you, the level of transparency in marketing these kids as pop stars is nothing short of unapologetic. Yes, they're almost a literal factory, pumping out 12-year-old marketing tools. Yes, they're comfortable with that. Proud, even, to provide such a service. Here's my personal favorite:

Our team at ARK have certainly recognized that raw talent alone is sufficient to get noticed. However, to further advance as a professional within the music industry, it is absolutely essential for an artist to have hit singles and a well executed image - all within that marketable package!

The audacity of it all is just staggering. They're owning this instant spray-on pop-star angle on a level only Charlie Sheen could aspire to. No Fucks Given. Seriously, this is some No Country For Old Men shit. How do you defend against something with no conscience? Do you accept that it exists and try not to think about it? Contemplate its creation and risk losing what's left of your faith in man? Well, before you decide, take in this fourth-rate talent show competition masquerading as a "launch party" for ARK Music Factory. It ain't pretty, but it's my job to show you the uglier side of the human experience.



Good, you haven't offed yourself yet. Anyway, maybe you can do what I'm doing and see the whole thing as hilarious. The ultimate unchangeable embarrassment for these hastily-made pop stars. Remember, kids, until the world goes up in flames, the internet isn't going anywhere. Beyond that, people usually remember the (absolute)worst of something more clearly than the best. These poor(read: rich) souls will have no choice but to walk the earth as unwitting targets of the most malicious verbal abuse the human mind can summon. It's not even their fault. They're just kids; what do they know?

The unending blame lies squarely on the shoulders of Ark's creators, Patrice Wilson and Clarence Jey. Just because you can create something like this doesn't mean you should. There is just no way these people believe they're building some sort of empire or hit factory. This is a hustle, nothing more. You've heard the songs. This ain't Motown we're talking about. 100% of these recordings are amazingly bad, autotuned-to-shit worthless. But hey, maybe I'm misjudging your tastes entirely and you genuinely like these songs. In that case, show them your newfound fandom by writing them a lengthy, descriptive e-mail. You can find their contact info on the site.

cj@arkmusicfactory.com

Tell your friends.


P.S: After that, do something useful with your time and donate anything you can to the organization of your choice to help Japan recover. Again, tell your friends.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/yblog_newsroom/20110311/wl_yblog_newsroom/japan-earthquake-and-tsunami-how-to-help

Winning(Losing)

"I probably took more than anybody could survive. I was bangin' seven-gram rocks and finishing them because that's how I roll. I have one speed, I have one gear. Go."

-Charlie Sheen on drugs


The world is watching Charlie Sheen lose his shit in public, and it can't get enough. Maybe it's the laserbeam intensity with which he's doing it, but it's caught on like wildfire. I'll tell you right now, it's fascinating how fast this is moving and in what directions it's going. Like the mind of any speed freak, that's every direction at once with no destination. Lighting out for the territories in search of new and interesting ways to burn out like a thermite suit. Seemingly coked(or something like that) to the gills at all times, the guy is a batshit-quote machine with its wheels falling off in plain view.

After his scheduled trainwreck of a 20/20 interview and the subsequent removal of his twin sons, the man still shows no signs of slowing down. On the contrary, Sheen has now joined Twitter, gaining over a million followers in 24 hours. His latest tweet acknowledges his absence from the site as his kids are his first concern. We'll see if this has any effect on his sobriety or lack thereof. Drug tests be damned, the guy's gotta be on something. Or everything. This should ensure he doesn't get his kids back, at least until he gets and stays clean. If that happens eventually, awesome. Great news all around. From all outward appearances, however, it won't.



Step one is admitting you have a problem. Not only is that not happening, he's wholeheartedly embracing his Motley-Crue-at-their-worst lifestyle and keeping us all updated on it. It's CSPAN on a crack-fueled warpath through life. Recently, we've seen the radio appearance on Alex Jones, the 20/20 interview, now a Twitter page. Through no fault of his own, Sheen's use of the word "winning" has even turned into a kind of meme for embracing your impulses.

Granted, he's no stranger to the life. He's had a number of run-ins with the law over the years for drug and alcohol related offenses, as well as patronizing a prostitution ring. Having a widely-known affinity for porn stars, Sheen is now dating porn actress Bree Olsen and former model Natalie Kenly. Meanwhile, Sheen is currently finalizing his divorce from the mother of his two sons, real estate investor Brooke Mueller. It should be noted all parties recently vacationed together in the Bahamas, with Mueller returning home soon after. Still, what balls on this guy.

That's about it for now. Join us next time when the train wreck isn't funny anymore, and we're just staring at a guy begging for attention as we move on with our lives. It's already starting to happen:

http://twitter.com/charliesheen