Dead friendships can say a lot. It's a weird thing having to cut ties with people who turn a psychological corner. Their beliefs become so alien that this person you've known for so long and grown close to is now totally unrelatable. You find out how much you can take from people, and really how much you're asking from them in the first place. Burning bridges light beginnings and endings, I guess.
I had a friend who was really effeminately gay. One of the nicest, most open and warm people I'd ever met. He hadn't said so outright, but it was hard not to assume; all the trappings of the stereotype were there. He moved to California from Arkansas as a 24-year-old virgin. I asked him about it once, a month or so after we'd met, and he told me he just hadn't found the right person yet. I started reading between the lines. What I was hearing was, "I've lived in a small town in Arkansas my whole life. I've never been able to be myself, at least not in public, without fear of being crucified. I would've died hung up with a sign on my back that said "THE ONLY GOOD FAGGOT". I moved out to California to be able to live my own life around people who accept me." Time would prove my assumptions right.
Some months after that talk, to the suprise of no one, he finally came out. To his friends, sure, but mostly to himself. He gave himself the gift of a real identity. I remember him posting a clip from Pinocchio the afternoon he told me. Subtle, I know. I was really proud of him for being able to take that step and embrace himself that way. It was cool watching him become more active in the gay community and immerse himself in a culture he'd been reading about and following forever.
Then it got weird. Maybe it was overcompensation or making up for lost time, but he'd disappeared into the lifestyle for a while and didn't come up for air for a long time. I'd hear from him now and again when he'd invite me to parties with his new friends. I never ended up going, and after a while he'd stopped asking me. It just wasn't my scene.
A couple years later, after he'd gotten to be something of a regular in the gay clubs and leather bars, I heard he hooked up with some bad people who had some shitty beliefs. They slowly convinced him to become a Bug Chaser, someone who wants to get AIDS in order to gain power over the stigma and fear of, in their words, inevitable infection. Think of it as black people using the word "nigger", only way, way worse. It's fatalism at its most literal and bizarre. I remember when he told me he'd been infected. I agreed to meet him after not talking to him for a while, just trying to sort out my own feelings about it. He sent me a text message.
"Can you meet me for lunch?" I already knew the story before he told me.
"Okay. When?"
We meet at Mel's on his lunch hour. Seeing this coming a mile away, I basically just sit there, taciturn. I am about to watch my friend publically declare himself a zombie. A coming-out party for the walking dead. Roy Orbison's "Running Scared" starts up.
"I did it," Dead Person tells me. "I'm positive." The smile on his face probably belies the fear he's feeling, but I tune out more every second. Over his shoulder, I see a hot redhead waitress at the corner booth. I think about fucking her in the bathroom and coming on her shirt so she can't keep wearing it. Rack focus to Dead Person, still talking.
"...figured, 'Why get treatment?', you know? I mean, the pills are so fucking expensive and it's really just delaying..." Dead Person explains to me, but mostly to himself. Not a word of it gets through. I am somewhere else.
"This is my favorite Roy Orbison song." I'm so removed from the conversation as to be almost glacial. Legally dead inside.
"...So, what do you think?" Dead Person asks, maybe.
"...So sure of himself, his head in the air..."
Neither of us says anything for the rest of the song. We are two dead people listening to a dead person.
THE END.
12.13.2011
10.17.2011
Female Trouble
Reading articles or watching shows about female comedians is way more frustrating than it has any right to be. More often than not, the idea is still presented as something of an oddity, i.e. "isn't it crazy she's saying funny things AND has tits, you guys?" Depending on the story, it might even be an all-or-nothing deal; that either all female comics are funny, or none of them are. Point being, the writer already had a predisposition to loving or hating the thing they're writing about, so the story was immediately biased. This is ridiculous, as you wouldn't say the same thing about male comedians. "If you're a fan of Norm Macdonald, you'll also like Dane Cook" is a sentence that's never been said by anyone. Humor is a subjective thing, so not everyone is going to find all comics funny. Least of all if gender or looks are the defining characteristics, which they shouldn't be in the first place. Ideally, that should be a non-issue. But...
FOX News, the world's leading comedy site, posted an article essentially saying overweight or unattractive women comics are going the way of the fat, lonely dinosaur friend, in favor of hotter dinosaurs who might be just as funny, but are, you know, hotter. I'm paraphrasing, obviously. Here's the article that doesn't know what it's talking about.
Comedy should really be a meritocracy: If you're funny, that's all that matters. In reality, the gatekeepers(TV producers, club promoters, etc.) want someone they can market, and what's easier to market to America than a hot girl? Now, I have my own opinions about certain vagina jokesters(I got tired of writing 'female comics'). I like a lot of them, and gender isn't a factor in my fandom. They just have to be funny. Beyond that, some women, particularly those the TV/internet tell me I need to love or else I'm Double Hitler, I don't find funny. Again, it's all subjective.
For instance: Stop telling me Melissa McCarthy is funny. Stop that right now. Yes, she stands out from the women listed in the FOX article because she won an Emmy and America's love whilst being fat. That's not the issue. I just happen to not be a fan, and that should be fine. More than once, I've heard her compared to Chris Farley. I can only imagine she's flattered and sick of hearing that at the same time. Making that comparison just means Chris Farley was really funny when he was alive and not throwing stupid amounts of coke and booze into his face. Like most of the people I know(and you), I watched Tommy Boy a million times. Seeing Melissa McCarthy do a version of that hasn't yet won me over. Maybe I'm a weirdo, but you can't just be funny by proxy.
Whether it's your own doing or just a wave of media hype behind you, being a second-rate someone else is just an easy, stupid thing to be famous for. Besides, I'm sure she'd rather not be known as a female also-fat man-clown. Having someone thrust under my nose as being just like him, but with a vagina(crazy, I know), immediately makes me hate them. Realizing that was unfair to her as a performer, I decided the other day to make an effort to see what she can do. I watched Bridesmaids and her appearance on SNL. Not a peep. Not a titter. Sorry.
On the other hand, one look at my Twitter account shows I'm a fan of all kinds of funny ladies. If you're too lazy or just don't like Twitter, do me a favor and look up Amy Schumer, Sarah Silverman, Maria Bamford, Shelby Fero, Megan Amram, Jenny Johnson, Emily Heller, or any one of a thousand other really funny comedians. Not comediennes, Double Hitler.
The point of all this is twofold, so, points, I guess: Yes, there are some hot women comics. For every one of them, there's ten who look like Jim Norton. If you're funny, you should be able to get over on the strength of your material alone, man or woman. Even then, not everyone's going to like you. Further, making a blanket statement about female comedians and presenting it as the truth is not only inaccurate, but absurd. Then again, when did anything true ever come out of FOX News? Did I spend way too much time thinking about this? Probably. Did I have way too much fun writing a story with the phrase "vagina jokesters"? Definitely.
FOX News, the world's leading comedy site, posted an article essentially saying overweight or unattractive women comics are going the way of the fat, lonely dinosaur friend, in favor of hotter dinosaurs who might be just as funny, but are, you know, hotter. I'm paraphrasing, obviously. Here's the article that doesn't know what it's talking about.
Comedy should really be a meritocracy: If you're funny, that's all that matters. In reality, the gatekeepers(TV producers, club promoters, etc.) want someone they can market, and what's easier to market to America than a hot girl? Now, I have my own opinions about certain vagina jokesters(I got tired of writing 'female comics'). I like a lot of them, and gender isn't a factor in my fandom. They just have to be funny. Beyond that, some women, particularly those the TV/internet tell me I need to love or else I'm Double Hitler, I don't find funny. Again, it's all subjective.
For instance: Stop telling me Melissa McCarthy is funny. Stop that right now. Yes, she stands out from the women listed in the FOX article because she won an Emmy and America's love whilst being fat. That's not the issue. I just happen to not be a fan, and that should be fine. More than once, I've heard her compared to Chris Farley. I can only imagine she's flattered and sick of hearing that at the same time. Making that comparison just means Chris Farley was really funny when he was alive and not throwing stupid amounts of coke and booze into his face. Like most of the people I know(and you), I watched Tommy Boy a million times. Seeing Melissa McCarthy do a version of that hasn't yet won me over. Maybe I'm a weirdo, but you can't just be funny by proxy.
Whether it's your own doing or just a wave of media hype behind you, being a second-rate someone else is just an easy, stupid thing to be famous for. Besides, I'm sure she'd rather not be known as a female also-fat man-clown. Having someone thrust under my nose as being just like him, but with a vagina(crazy, I know), immediately makes me hate them. Realizing that was unfair to her as a performer, I decided the other day to make an effort to see what she can do. I watched Bridesmaids and her appearance on SNL. Not a peep. Not a titter. Sorry.
On the other hand, one look at my Twitter account shows I'm a fan of all kinds of funny ladies. If you're too lazy or just don't like Twitter, do me a favor and look up Amy Schumer, Sarah Silverman, Maria Bamford, Shelby Fero, Megan Amram, Jenny Johnson, Emily Heller, or any one of a thousand other really funny comedians. Not comediennes, Double Hitler.
The point of all this is twofold, so, points, I guess: Yes, there are some hot women comics. For every one of them, there's ten who look like Jim Norton. If you're funny, you should be able to get over on the strength of your material alone, man or woman. Even then, not everyone's going to like you. Further, making a blanket statement about female comedians and presenting it as the truth is not only inaccurate, but absurd. Then again, when did anything true ever come out of FOX News? Did I spend way too much time thinking about this? Probably. Did I have way too much fun writing a story with the phrase "vagina jokesters"? Definitely.
5.18.2011
Liberty, Equality, Fraternity
A young atheist in black dress clothes is sitting down to eat in a small hot dog shop. Being nearest the door, he's approached by a homeless man. Homeless Man looks gaunt, hungry and dirty. If you drew a picture of a homeless man, he would definitely eat it.
"Look, man, I just wanted something to eat. I just wanna get a hot dog, so if there's anything you can do to help me out, I'd appreciate it, man." There is a look of desperation in his face that belies all the drugs that might be coursing through his system at this very moment.
The Catholic restaurant worker sees this and makes her way over in a kind of resigned, routine manner, as if she's sick of this already. "Nope. Go on and stop bothering my customers with your begging." People love to be accused of begging, so naturally a compliment war starts up. Atheist decides to end it, Gloomy Gus that he is.
Pulling a couple bucks from his wallet, Atheist says, "Here you go, man. Get what you like." Homeless Man takes the money.
"God bless you, man. Thank you so much." Homeless Man and Atheist talk for a bit. Homeless Man tells Atheist a hard luck story. Atheist sympathizes. Catholic Restaurant Worker tells Homeless Man to leave. Homeless man leaves and walks down the street. Catholic Restaurant Worker turns to Atheist, this close to wagging her finger.
"You shouldna gave him anything. Now he'll keep coming back," Catholic Restaurant Worker tells Atheist before grabbing a nearby chair and sitting a spell. Atheist digests this and goes back to the meal he has yet to even eat.
"You're not supposed to do that," Believer #2 pipes up from across the room in the same incredulous tone people give to someone vandalizing public property. "He's in here all the time. Now he's just gonna go down the street and buy some booze with your money," Believer #2 proclaims whilst sitting at a table with nothing at all in front of her. She may very well have been there since the dawn of man.
Atheist says with his mouth half-full of food, "Welp, nothing I can do about it now," Swallow. "Short of chasing him down for the money." Bite. Shrug. "Not gonna do that, so it looks like he got away scot free."
Catholic Restaurant Worker walks outside and watches where Homeless Man is going for a good few minutes, standing stock-still the entire time. Passersby notice her after a bit, wonder what she's looking at and look back. The statue speaks. "He's asking other people for money way down there," Superwoman informs the rest of the room before walking back inside and sitting down.
Atheist finishes his food and reads a chapter of the book about dead people he brought. Catholic Restaurant Worker and Believer #2 continue talking in a not-much-lower whisper. Atheist picks up his things and leaves.
Things we've learned today(or at least were reminded of):
1. Christians/Catholics don't give a shit about homeless people.
2. Homeless people may actually use the money given to them to buy booze and not food.
3. Neither gives a fuck about anyone that wants to help.
4. Thus, both sides are equally worthless to humanity.
G'night Everybody! :D
"Look, man, I just wanted something to eat. I just wanna get a hot dog, so if there's anything you can do to help me out, I'd appreciate it, man." There is a look of desperation in his face that belies all the drugs that might be coursing through his system at this very moment.
The Catholic restaurant worker sees this and makes her way over in a kind of resigned, routine manner, as if she's sick of this already. "Nope. Go on and stop bothering my customers with your begging." People love to be accused of begging, so naturally a compliment war starts up. Atheist decides to end it, Gloomy Gus that he is.
Pulling a couple bucks from his wallet, Atheist says, "Here you go, man. Get what you like." Homeless Man takes the money.
"God bless you, man. Thank you so much." Homeless Man and Atheist talk for a bit. Homeless Man tells Atheist a hard luck story. Atheist sympathizes. Catholic Restaurant Worker tells Homeless Man to leave. Homeless man leaves and walks down the street. Catholic Restaurant Worker turns to Atheist, this close to wagging her finger.
"You shouldna gave him anything. Now he'll keep coming back," Catholic Restaurant Worker tells Atheist before grabbing a nearby chair and sitting a spell. Atheist digests this and goes back to the meal he has yet to even eat.
"You're not supposed to do that," Believer #2 pipes up from across the room in the same incredulous tone people give to someone vandalizing public property. "He's in here all the time. Now he's just gonna go down the street and buy some booze with your money," Believer #2 proclaims whilst sitting at a table with nothing at all in front of her. She may very well have been there since the dawn of man.
Atheist says with his mouth half-full of food, "Welp, nothing I can do about it now," Swallow. "Short of chasing him down for the money." Bite. Shrug. "Not gonna do that, so it looks like he got away scot free."
Catholic Restaurant Worker walks outside and watches where Homeless Man is going for a good few minutes, standing stock-still the entire time. Passersby notice her after a bit, wonder what she's looking at and look back. The statue speaks. "He's asking other people for money way down there," Superwoman informs the rest of the room before walking back inside and sitting down.
Atheist finishes his food and reads a chapter of the book about dead people he brought. Catholic Restaurant Worker and Believer #2 continue talking in a not-much-lower whisper. Atheist picks up his things and leaves.
Things we've learned today(or at least were reminded of):
1. Christians/Catholics don't give a shit about homeless people.
2. Homeless people may actually use the money given to them to buy booze and not food.
3. Neither gives a fuck about anyone that wants to help.
4. Thus, both sides are equally worthless to humanity.
G'night Everybody! :D
5.15.2011
The Road To Nowhere
This Saturday marks the end of an era. I and others like me will bear witness to something we thought impossible. With a flash of blinding light, God will take back his faithful, unwavering flock. All else will suffer and burn in a literal Hell on Earth until October 21st, when the fire finally blinks out of existence.
At least, that's what some worthless people would like you to believe.
The truth, as you know, is no one's going anywhere on May 21st or any other day. At least not by divine intervention. This story of "The Rapture" coming on Saturday was made up and has been maintained by a Christian radio station and internet ministry called Family Radio. The short, short version is that the station's president/figurehead, Harold Camping, made this prediction a couple years ago. Soon after, billboards paid for by Family Radio and private citizens sprang up around the U.S. and in other countries to warn non-believers while advertising the station, which is broadcast in forty languages all over the world. To illustrate Camping's absurd logic, here's the bullshit equation he came up with as "proof" of The Rapture's date. According to him:
1. The number five equals "atonement", the number ten equals "completeness", and the number seventeen equals "heaven".
2. Christ is said to have hung on the cross on April 1, 33 AD. The time between April 1, 33 AD and April 1, 2011 is 1,978 years.
3. If 1,978 is multiplied by 365.2422 days (the number of days in a solar year, not to be confused with the lunar year), the result is 722,449.
4. The time between April 1 and May 21 is 51 days.
5. 51 added to 722,449 is 722,500.
6. (5 x 10 x 17)2 or (atonement x completeness x heaven)2 also equals 722,500.
Head explode yet? Obviously none of that, save for the sheer arithmetic, maybe, makes any sense. Camping simply made this up out of whole cloth to draw attention to himself and Family Radio. It's a scare tactic; no more, no less. Not only that, he's pulled this before. Many, many times. His last prediction was for September of 1994. When that didn't happen, he made up some excuse about bad calculations and rechristened that day as the start of the "Tribulation Period". I'm assuming he'll do something similarly moronic this time. From what I've read, not even other Christian organizations believe this guy's line of bullshit.
Per Wikipedia: James Kreuger, author of the book Secrets of the Apocalypse - Revealed, has stated that while he believes the rapture is coming, Camping is incorrect in attempting to nail down a date. "For all his learning, Camping makes a classic beginner's mistake when he sets a date for Christ's return," writes Kreuger. "Jesus himself said in Matthew 24:36, 'Of that day and hour knows no man, no, not the angels of heaven, but my father only.' "
Regardless, Camping's followers have been adamant about his prediction, some going as far as selling their possessions and spending their life savings in order to have nothing left on May 21st. Here's a short primer on the situation:
What's gonna happen when...nothing happens? Camping will make up some excuse, his followers will accept it and chalk it up to The Lord giving the world another chance or working in mysterious ways. That's how fucking dumb these people are. I do feel sorry for those that have planned their short-term lives around having nothing left after May 21st, though. Maybe Harold Camping can do something for them. After all, he'll be around to help. That is, if they can get to him before he's publicly strung up like Mussolini by his more vengeful former-believers.
Join me next time when I'll explore the other, better side of this ridiculous non-event, the Atheist "Rapture Parties" to be held around the country, including the American Atheists weekend convention in Oakland, CA. See you then.
At least, that's what some worthless people would like you to believe.
The truth, as you know, is no one's going anywhere on May 21st or any other day. At least not by divine intervention. This story of "The Rapture" coming on Saturday was made up and has been maintained by a Christian radio station and internet ministry called Family Radio. The short, short version is that the station's president/figurehead, Harold Camping, made this prediction a couple years ago. Soon after, billboards paid for by Family Radio and private citizens sprang up around the U.S. and in other countries to warn non-believers while advertising the station, which is broadcast in forty languages all over the world. To illustrate Camping's absurd logic, here's the bullshit equation he came up with as "proof" of The Rapture's date. According to him:
1. The number five equals "atonement", the number ten equals "completeness", and the number seventeen equals "heaven".
2. Christ is said to have hung on the cross on April 1, 33 AD. The time between April 1, 33 AD and April 1, 2011 is 1,978 years.
3. If 1,978 is multiplied by 365.2422 days (the number of days in a solar year, not to be confused with the lunar year), the result is 722,449.
4. The time between April 1 and May 21 is 51 days.
5. 51 added to 722,449 is 722,500.
6. (5 x 10 x 17)2 or (atonement x completeness x heaven)2 also equals 722,500.
Head explode yet? Obviously none of that, save for the sheer arithmetic, maybe, makes any sense. Camping simply made this up out of whole cloth to draw attention to himself and Family Radio. It's a scare tactic; no more, no less. Not only that, he's pulled this before. Many, many times. His last prediction was for September of 1994. When that didn't happen, he made up some excuse about bad calculations and rechristened that day as the start of the "Tribulation Period". I'm assuming he'll do something similarly moronic this time. From what I've read, not even other Christian organizations believe this guy's line of bullshit.
Per Wikipedia: James Kreuger, author of the book Secrets of the Apocalypse - Revealed, has stated that while he believes the rapture is coming, Camping is incorrect in attempting to nail down a date. "For all his learning, Camping makes a classic beginner's mistake when he sets a date for Christ's return," writes Kreuger. "Jesus himself said in Matthew 24:36, 'Of that day and hour knows no man, no, not the angels of heaven, but my father only.' "
Regardless, Camping's followers have been adamant about his prediction, some going as far as selling their possessions and spending their life savings in order to have nothing left on May 21st. Here's a short primer on the situation:
What's gonna happen when...nothing happens? Camping will make up some excuse, his followers will accept it and chalk it up to The Lord giving the world another chance or working in mysterious ways. That's how fucking dumb these people are. I do feel sorry for those that have planned their short-term lives around having nothing left after May 21st, though. Maybe Harold Camping can do something for them. After all, he'll be around to help. That is, if they can get to him before he's publicly strung up like Mussolini by his more vengeful former-believers.
Join me next time when I'll explore the other, better side of this ridiculous non-event, the Atheist "Rapture Parties" to be held around the country, including the American Atheists weekend convention in Oakland, CA. See you then.
3.16.2011
The Ides of March
As the line from Shakespeare's Julius Caesar goes, "Beware the Ides of March." Meaning the day Julius Caesar would be killed, March 15th 44AD, the quote has worked its way into the modern lexicon as a portent of doom. Considering the incredible amount of devastation Japan has seen in the past week, one could make the farfetched conclusion that this prophecy was real. I personally never gave it much thought until just after midnight on Tuesday morning.
March 15th.
I don't remember how I found it. Maybe it sought me out. All that matters is that it exists. Perhaps it has always existed in one form or another. Like evil. Fear. War. Biding its time. Gathering strength for its next emergence. A reflection of man's worst qualities so pristine as to rival a dead sea. You have been warned. Gaze into the abyss, and the abyss gazes also into you.
This is already a full-blown meme with nearly 11 million views under its belt as I write this. The video(which debuted on a Thursday, for the record) had only been up for a few days before receiving nearly universal criticism as the worst song ever recorded. Articles have been written, parodies made and images captured, waxing intellectual on the Mason-Dixon line of musical quality and integrity being crossed. If there's anyone left on the internet still wondering what hell spawned this musical abortion, click the YouTube button and find the link under the iTunes and ringtone ads. Do you see it?
R'lyeh, thy name is The Ark Music Factory.
That's right. There is a company whose sole purpose is to manufacture child-size pop idols, each one more uniquely untalented than the last. Poor devils. As a cursory glance at the site's "about" section will tell you, the level of transparency in marketing these kids as pop stars is nothing short of unapologetic. Yes, they're almost a literal factory, pumping out 12-year-old marketing tools. Yes, they're comfortable with that. Proud, even, to provide such a service. Here's my personal favorite:
Our team at ARK have certainly recognized that raw talent alone is sufficient to get noticed. However, to further advance as a professional within the music industry, it is absolutely essential for an artist to have hit singles and a well executed image - all within that marketable package!
The audacity of it all is just staggering. They're owning this instant spray-on pop-star angle on a level only Charlie Sheen could aspire to. No Fucks Given. Seriously, this is some No Country For Old Men shit. How do you defend against something with no conscience? Do you accept that it exists and try not to think about it? Contemplate its creation and risk losing what's left of your faith in man? Well, before you decide, take in this fourth-rate talent show competition masquerading as a "launch party" for ARK Music Factory. It ain't pretty, but it's my job to show you the uglier side of the human experience.
Good, you haven't offed yourself yet. Anyway, maybe you can do what I'm doing and see the whole thing as hilarious. The ultimate unchangeable embarrassment for these hastily-made pop stars. Remember, kids, until the world goes up in flames, the internet isn't going anywhere. Beyond that, people usually remember the (absolute)worst of something more clearly than the best. These poor(read: rich) souls will have no choice but to walk the earth as unwitting targets of the most malicious verbal abuse the human mind can summon. It's not even their fault. They're just kids; what do they know?
The unending blame lies squarely on the shoulders of Ark's creators, Patrice Wilson and Clarence Jey. Just because you can create something like this doesn't mean you should. There is just no way these people believe they're building some sort of empire or hit factory. This is a hustle, nothing more. You've heard the songs. This ain't Motown we're talking about. 100% of these recordings are amazingly bad, autotuned-to-shit worthless. But hey, maybe I'm misjudging your tastes entirely and you genuinely like these songs. In that case, show them your newfound fandom by writing them a lengthy, descriptive e-mail. You can find their contact info on the site.
cj@arkmusicfactory.com
Tell your friends.
P.S: After that, do something useful with your time and donate anything you can to the organization of your choice to help Japan recover. Again, tell your friends.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/yblog_newsroom/20110311/wl_yblog_newsroom/japan-earthquake-and-tsunami-how-to-help
March 15th.
I don't remember how I found it. Maybe it sought me out. All that matters is that it exists. Perhaps it has always existed in one form or another. Like evil. Fear. War. Biding its time. Gathering strength for its next emergence. A reflection of man's worst qualities so pristine as to rival a dead sea. You have been warned. Gaze into the abyss, and the abyss gazes also into you.
This is already a full-blown meme with nearly 11 million views under its belt as I write this. The video(which debuted on a Thursday, for the record) had only been up for a few days before receiving nearly universal criticism as the worst song ever recorded. Articles have been written, parodies made and images captured, waxing intellectual on the Mason-Dixon line of musical quality and integrity being crossed. If there's anyone left on the internet still wondering what hell spawned this musical abortion, click the YouTube button and find the link under the iTunes and ringtone ads. Do you see it?
R'lyeh, thy name is The Ark Music Factory.
That's right. There is a company whose sole purpose is to manufacture child-size pop idols, each one more uniquely untalented than the last. Poor devils. As a cursory glance at the site's "about" section will tell you, the level of transparency in marketing these kids as pop stars is nothing short of unapologetic. Yes, they're almost a literal factory, pumping out 12-year-old marketing tools. Yes, they're comfortable with that. Proud, even, to provide such a service. Here's my personal favorite:
Our team at ARK have certainly recognized that raw talent alone is sufficient to get noticed. However, to further advance as a professional within the music industry, it is absolutely essential for an artist to have hit singles and a well executed image - all within that marketable package!
The audacity of it all is just staggering. They're owning this instant spray-on pop-star angle on a level only Charlie Sheen could aspire to. No Fucks Given. Seriously, this is some No Country For Old Men shit. How do you defend against something with no conscience? Do you accept that it exists and try not to think about it? Contemplate its creation and risk losing what's left of your faith in man? Well, before you decide, take in this fourth-rate talent show competition masquerading as a "launch party" for ARK Music Factory. It ain't pretty, but it's my job to show you the uglier side of the human experience.
Good, you haven't offed yourself yet. Anyway, maybe you can do what I'm doing and see the whole thing as hilarious. The ultimate unchangeable embarrassment for these hastily-made pop stars. Remember, kids, until the world goes up in flames, the internet isn't going anywhere. Beyond that, people usually remember the (absolute)worst of something more clearly than the best. These poor(read: rich) souls will have no choice but to walk the earth as unwitting targets of the most malicious verbal abuse the human mind can summon. It's not even their fault. They're just kids; what do they know?
The unending blame lies squarely on the shoulders of Ark's creators, Patrice Wilson and Clarence Jey. Just because you can create something like this doesn't mean you should. There is just no way these people believe they're building some sort of empire or hit factory. This is a hustle, nothing more. You've heard the songs. This ain't Motown we're talking about. 100% of these recordings are amazingly bad, autotuned-to-shit worthless. But hey, maybe I'm misjudging your tastes entirely and you genuinely like these songs. In that case, show them your newfound fandom by writing them a lengthy, descriptive e-mail. You can find their contact info on the site.
cj@arkmusicfactory.com
Tell your friends.
P.S: After that, do something useful with your time and donate anything you can to the organization of your choice to help Japan recover. Again, tell your friends.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/yblog_newsroom/20110311/wl_yblog_newsroom/japan-earthquake-and-tsunami-how-to-help
3.02.2011
Winning(Losing)
"I probably took more than anybody could survive. I was bangin' seven-gram rocks and finishing them because that's how I roll. I have one speed, I have one gear. Go."
-Charlie Sheen on drugs
The world is watching Charlie Sheen lose his shit in public, and it can't get enough. Maybe it's the laserbeam intensity with which he's doing it, but it's caught on like wildfire. I'll tell you right now, it's fascinating how fast this is moving and in what directions it's going. Like the mind of any speed freak, that's every direction at once with no destination. Lighting out for the territories in search of new and interesting ways to burn out like a thermite suit. Seemingly coked(or something like that) to the gills at all times, the guy is a batshit-quote machine with its wheels falling off in plain view.
After his scheduled trainwreck of a 20/20 interview and the subsequent removal of his twin sons, the man still shows no signs of slowing down. On the contrary, Sheen has now joined Twitter, gaining over a million followers in 24 hours. His latest tweet acknowledges his absence from the site as his kids are his first concern. We'll see if this has any effect on his sobriety or lack thereof. Drug tests be damned, the guy's gotta be on something. Or everything. This should ensure he doesn't get his kids back, at least until he gets and stays clean. If that happens eventually, awesome. Great news all around. From all outward appearances, however, it won't.
Step one is admitting you have a problem. Not only is that not happening, he's wholeheartedly embracing his Motley-Crue-at-their-worst lifestyle and keeping us all updated on it. It's CSPAN on a crack-fueled warpath through life. Recently, we've seen the radio appearance on Alex Jones, the 20/20 interview, now a Twitter page. Through no fault of his own, Sheen's use of the word "winning" has even turned into a kind of meme for embracing your impulses.
Granted, he's no stranger to the life. He's had a number of run-ins with the law over the years for drug and alcohol related offenses, as well as patronizing a prostitution ring. Having a widely-known affinity for porn stars, Sheen is now dating porn actress Bree Olsen and former model Natalie Kenly. Meanwhile, Sheen is currently finalizing his divorce from the mother of his two sons, real estate investor Brooke Mueller. It should be noted all parties recently vacationed together in the Bahamas, with Mueller returning home soon after. Still, what balls on this guy.
That's about it for now. Join us next time when the train wreck isn't funny anymore, and we're just staring at a guy begging for attention as we move on with our lives. It's already starting to happen:
http://twitter.com/charliesheen
-Charlie Sheen on drugs
The world is watching Charlie Sheen lose his shit in public, and it can't get enough. Maybe it's the laserbeam intensity with which he's doing it, but it's caught on like wildfire. I'll tell you right now, it's fascinating how fast this is moving and in what directions it's going. Like the mind of any speed freak, that's every direction at once with no destination. Lighting out for the territories in search of new and interesting ways to burn out like a thermite suit. Seemingly coked(or something like that) to the gills at all times, the guy is a batshit-quote machine with its wheels falling off in plain view.
After his scheduled trainwreck of a 20/20 interview and the subsequent removal of his twin sons, the man still shows no signs of slowing down. On the contrary, Sheen has now joined Twitter, gaining over a million followers in 24 hours. His latest tweet acknowledges his absence from the site as his kids are his first concern. We'll see if this has any effect on his sobriety or lack thereof. Drug tests be damned, the guy's gotta be on something. Or everything. This should ensure he doesn't get his kids back, at least until he gets and stays clean. If that happens eventually, awesome. Great news all around. From all outward appearances, however, it won't.
Step one is admitting you have a problem. Not only is that not happening, he's wholeheartedly embracing his Motley-Crue-at-their-worst lifestyle and keeping us all updated on it. It's CSPAN on a crack-fueled warpath through life. Recently, we've seen the radio appearance on Alex Jones, the 20/20 interview, now a Twitter page. Through no fault of his own, Sheen's use of the word "winning" has even turned into a kind of meme for embracing your impulses.
Granted, he's no stranger to the life. He's had a number of run-ins with the law over the years for drug and alcohol related offenses, as well as patronizing a prostitution ring. Having a widely-known affinity for porn stars, Sheen is now dating porn actress Bree Olsen and former model Natalie Kenly. Meanwhile, Sheen is currently finalizing his divorce from the mother of his two sons, real estate investor Brooke Mueller. It should be noted all parties recently vacationed together in the Bahamas, with Mueller returning home soon after. Still, what balls on this guy.
That's about it for now. Join us next time when the train wreck isn't funny anymore, and we're just staring at a guy begging for attention as we move on with our lives. It's already starting to happen:
http://twitter.com/charliesheen
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